Need to Get this Out

Yes, I consider myself to be resilient because damn it, I am strong!!! I am fighting an uphill battle but in no way am I trying to portray myself as somebody who is not in pain from my abuse. I am in deep, deep pain but the fact that I keep trudging on and that I build opportunities for myself is what makes me resilient. We all have our off days (maybe an optimist would say our “on days”). In my experiences, I feel as if I need to show a face that I am ok, that I am happy but inside I am breaking apart. Here, I am not showing any faces. I am a survivor, I am not ashamed of it, I am not shy about it, I keep going, but to explain the hurt is sometimes too much to bear so I do it gently at my pace. Its okay to admit that I am in pain because resiliency doesn’t mean immunity.


Triggers absolutely suck! Sometimes just hearing the word “trigger” triggers me. I think that for me, triggers are one of the hardest things to deal with from this whole thing. I find them so hard to understand. Some days I could be frozen and crippled from the feelings of a trigger where other days I am fine. Why can I face a trigger one day and all of a sudden on another occasion, I am completely broken down. I think that society doesn’t understand the impact of triggers as well. I have heard people use the word rape like its nothing when they are not aware that just the word can send someone spiralling down. A song, a street, a name….anything can be a trigger but of course thats pretty much impossible to be constantly aware of. Just mentioning what triggers may be.